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4.30.2002
Turns out the mail system at work bounced the file for Reactions I. Twice. The message acted like it was a filter or something, but I re-sent the file first thing this morning and haven't gotten a bounce message yet. E-mail is a wonderful thing. When it works. So, story got posted to Spike's Salvation and Tabula Rasa this morning and I'll get it up on my website tonight. Still playing with the look of the website, still trying to get things together. I haven't gotten everything exactly the way I want, and while I love the deep purple tone, it just don’t come up right on a bunch of monitors. I think that what I might do is go a deep blue-grey. I'll have to play with colors this evening after Buffy. New Buffy! The first of five new episodes over the next month. This will get the juices flowing again, although I think they're flowing pretty well at the moment. I managed to get a page and a half hand-written on Reactions II last night, which works out to half a page typewritten once I get the cross-outs removed. Heavier stuff than I'm used to doing, although the Letters series has been awfully heavy at times. This is good, though. I don't feel like I'm merging into melodramatics here, but getting some good work done. There's a real book in all of this, I can feel it. A fantasy/horror novel about a vampire trying to start again. A vampire who's lost his human love due to something stupid like a drunk driver -- he's not going through the pain of "oh, she grew old and died while I'm still immortal"; he's going through the pain of having a loved one ripped away from him before her time. Spike in the Magic Box series is going to be the model, with Tara as his friend and companion. No love affair there and possibly even some regret on the vampire's part that she's gay, that the friendship can't go to another level. It's a story about living, ironically, not hiding from what you feel just because it hurts. I think that's the theme of the Magic Box series, to have the characters actually move forward. Xander's going to go into therapy at some point, maybe he'll work out his issues with Anya. Giles will pop in and out, more for business reasons that for Buffy reasons (the fact that he doesn't totally trust Spike with the store is a large motivating factor). Anya will be Anya and perhaps end up in an on-again, off-again affair with Giles. Tara will start to find a direction in life separate from Willow. Willow, I'm not sure what we'll do with her yet, but it will have something to do with Giles and the resources of the Council. There will be problems from the Council (surprise, surprise). More origins of the slayers and of vampires. Settle Halfrek. Deal with the social service issues and the gallery. Lots of stuff and there may well be more than one book in it. We'll just have to see.
Caro | 11:11 AM
Well, last night was just peachy. My car definitely has to go in this morning to the mechanic and it's going to take a chunk out of the account. Something is terribly wrong under the chasis and I dread to think what it is. Then, to top it all off, I e-mail the finished file for "Reactions I" to myself with the firm intent of posting it, only to discover that it didn't arrive somehow. So, I'm sitting there last night frustrated and I can't upload. I'll have to do that today from work. The fact is, I did finish the story and managed to do it in less than a week. That's good for me. What's even better is that the sequel, "Reactions II" is already started and moving along. This is probably going to be a little harder since I haven't written in Buffy's POV for a few months. Also, there will be more of the Xander/Willow reaction told in flashbacks. I want there to be a definite disconnect between what she's saying to Tara and what she's thinking/what happened. Buffy is not in a good place at the moment and she's feeling pretty upset and isolated herself. Funny, but Tara is proving kind of a link between them. Didn't plan on that happening. What's after Reactions II? Probably leap ahead to the return of Giles and pump up the nerd trio actions some more. Then we have Anya's return, her vengeance and then the discovery of the cameras and move into the finales. Four, maybe five sections. The finale will be the hardest, determining how far I follow ME and how much I veer onto my own. This is working into it's own series far beyond what I intended, but it's interesting. It's fun, too, and will keep me occupied for a while. Other than that, there's web work to do because I'm still not happy with my blog layout and want to create one on my own. Hey, I'm learning Dreamweaver much better because of this. Going to go back to writing feedback which I so desperately should do (I've been bad), so I'll leave off with this small story bit from "Reaction II": Buffy was grateful for sunset. Sunset meant patrol, which in turn mean a few hours of quiet. Except for the vampires, of course. Right now, she wasn't particularly looking for vampires. The sun hadn't set that long ago and there were still streaks of color in the sky as she left the Doublemeat Palace behind. She decided to hit the main business district first, fan out to the alleys, then head for the cemetaries. Anyone who was going to rise would have done so by then. The plan had the added advantage of taking her by the Magic Box. If luck was with her, Tara would still be there and they could talk. Buffy desperately felt the need of someone sane and rational to talk to.
Caro | 6:49 AM
4.29.2002
Interesting morning in the world of fandom. UPN sent out the wildfeed for "Seeing Red," which is the episode of Buffy that's supposed to air next week, instead of Entropy, which is supposed to air tomorrow. For the unspoiled among you, I won't go into details. If, however, you're a spoiler whore like me, you might try Leoff Online, which produces reviews of the wildfeed. This is May sweeps and there is some upsetting material, not surprisingly. They're really wrenching it out of us this year. There are people threatening to quit fandom, and at least one fic writer I respect has said she's going to stop writing Buffy fic. Damn. I really hate times like this. I'm going to lose readers, though I hope I'll be finding some more. I've averaging 11 people to my site a day, nearly 100 in the week. Do want to check my guestbook, see if anyone's signed. Short one today because it's afternoon and I'm trying to get more written between work before I head home. Do have a story quote, though, another one from the current story with Spike and Tara: "She asked me to look into the spell Willow used to bring her back. She wanted to know what was wrong since you could…hurt her." He wanted to know and he didn't want to know. Spike had told Xander Willow knew that if there was even a part of Buffy in what she brought back, she knew he wouldn't allow her to get rid of it if it all went wrong. Tara took the decision from him, continuing her explanation. "She's just…shifted on a cellular level somehow, just enough that she doesn't register on your chip. Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with her." *You came back wrong.* Big bad vampires weren't supposed to feel remorse. Big bad vampires weren't supposed to feel like Class-A jerks, either. Spike felt both.
Caro | 4:31 PM
4.28.2002
Ugh. It has been a completely shitty weekend. The estate sale we went to yesterday was a total bust and a waste of time. Too many family members intent on scoring points on the others and not at all interested in actually getting rid of the stuff they were trying to sell. Went out, didn't get anything except a nasty headache from the dust. Slept most of the afternoon. Then, had to get out of the house early for church this morning because my husband had to buy donuts for a church bake sale -- a bake sale which he was not supposed to have to work because we'd told them we were busy. Didn't matter; they expected him to do it any way. Assholes. So he's gone all morning, then I still have a headache, but we finally get out to do the one thing I wanted to do this weekend, which was get a new keyboard tray. Now we realize that in addition to having the radiator replaced, we're going to need to have the brakes done. Lovely. There goes our savings and this job only lasts four weeks to six weeks. Had to go out to borrow a drill from a friend, which I didn't want to have to do, but really had no other choice. Keyboard tray is up and I've gotten no writing done today. Plenty of plotting, though, as I think I have a good idea where we're going to the big finale. As it's now appallingly late and I haven't had dinner, I'll sign off with a bit of a quote from an upcoming story: Anya turned her back on Xander. "Spike, how much money do you have?" "Well, I can get money, pet, but I don't see how..." "I mean right now, in your pocket." Not at all certain what she was up to, but having no desire to annoy a vengeance demon, Spike dug into his pockets. "Sixteen dollar and forty-three cents," he announced, "and a scratcher I haven't done yet." She held out her hand and he laid the money and the scratcher in it. Anya counted it briefly, then smiled at him. "Congratulations, Spike. You're now the proud owner of my share of the Magic Box."
Caro | 10:01 PM
4.27.2002
Saturday morning and I'm actually getting an entry up. Yay! Hopefully that means the journaling is starting to become a habit. Good. I need the daily exercise. Storywise, everything is going swimmingly. I'm probably three-quarters of the way through "The Morning After", which has just gotten changed to "Reactions I". Buffy will be "Reactions II" and we'll move on from there. The good news for future stories is that I've managed to figure out how to bring the nerds back into it. It's a bit spoilery for the show, but since the episode in question airs on Tuesday and I'm not using it in the same way, I'm nowhere near as worried about posting, assuming I get finished with it before the end of the weekend. I think I will be. The writing is going very smoothly these days, something for which I'm grateful. There was a point over the winter that I considered just chucking everything. At this point, I realize that it's not a question of chucking it but a question of getting myself focused and deciding what I really want to write, shoving my passions into that. For now, the muscles are starting to flex and that's the big thing. I'm writing every day -- that every day -- without having to make a big deal out of it. Whenever I've tried to do this before, it's always been a "oh, I have to set aside time for it, but I don't have time today, so I'll set aside time tomorrow. I have time today and that's what I'm doing. I'm working on getting myself together and in motion. Short piece today because I'm trying to get myself moving. Suffice to say, I feel good. Story quote for today, from "Reactions I": Dawn looked a bit rebellious, but she went, leaving the two of them alone in the shop. Spike and Tara continued to clean in silence for a few minutes before she asked, "What did Xander say that set you off?" "Wasn't Harris this time. It was Red. Apparently told Buffy she hadn't brought her back so she could sleep with me." "Oh." A long, uncomfortable pause. "I'm sure she didn't mean…" Spike just looked at her. Tara was rationalizing and they both knew it.
Caro | 8:40 PM
4.26.2002
Thank God it's Friday. I'm ready for this week to end. I love being back at my old company, but I'd just managed to get out of the habit of being in an office for eight hours when they called me back. As a result, I'm feeling fairly tired and dragged out. I'm feeling jazzed, though, as well. The latest in the letter series went over great, and I'm happily working away on the next piece in the Magic Box series. Spike is in the midst of telling Dawn his version of his relationship with Buffy; Buffy's conversation with her sister will come later. Know where this story is going and know how I'm going to work the nerds in to move the plot forward. After this is a Buffy section, where we find out what Buffy's going through with all of this. There'll be some B/S interaction there, but from her point of view. Need to work at making her somewhat sympathetic at this point because this is a shipper story. Frankly, Spike's words to her are coming true. At this point, her friends aren't being supportive but driving her away, making demands and accusations. Spike is completely unacceptable to them; to Xander because it's all Angel all over again and to Willow because Buffy didn't tell her. I've come to realize Willow always was a bit of a control freak and in many ways she brought Buffy back from the dead because she wanted her special best friend the Slayer there so they could be cool together. At some point, we'll go into the actions of the summer, because there are things there that impact on this. As I see it, for the first few weeks, everyone was in shock. Then they started patrolling. Spike probably was drinking heavily at the time and wasn't that much use. As time went on, though, Spike started coming out of his funk and focusing his rage on killing things. Willow might have been "The Boss of Us," but it was Spike who was filling the role of the Slayer. Willow pushed with her mojo, but she also became keenly aware there were patrols Spike did alone, managing to dust more than a few vampires and off some demons. Giles began including Spike in discussions and actually listening to his opinion on some things. With Giles talking about going back to England, Willow knew Spike would be their main muscle because they couldn't actually trust the Buffy Bot. Only if Buffy were back would Willow be able to retain her "special status." Buffy would realize Willow was special. Spike would try to run things. Now Spike wasn't the only reason; Willow long had been researching this spell since almost immediately after Buffy's death. His rising prominence, however, gave her an impetus to move forward. This will come into play for the "season finale" of the Box stories. The writing is good and steady at the moment. I'm doing polished stuff and I'm getting it out quickly. This is what I need to be doing at this time, flexing the muscles and getting back into practice. I feel better, even if there are still a few things to be done to get responsibility off my plate. Also, the office needs to be cleaned. Here's a bit from the current story, where Spike is actually having to explain his relationship with Buffy to Dawn: He could list a hundred reasons why Buffy should give her side of the story first. None of them would hold water with Dawn. Spike considered his words carefully. "You know how I feel about your sister. I love her and nothing's going to change that." "But *something* changed. I mean, the two of you dating…" "Unless Buffy used that word, I wouldn't call what we had 'dating.'" She frowned, puzzling over his words. "Oh." Her eyes widened. *Oh.*" Spike suddenly found himself very interested in the wood grain of the table, tracing the pattern with his finger.
Caro | 12:13 PM
4.25.2002
The rant is complete! Sing praise and hallelujah! I don't think I've ever been quite so happy to get a piece up as I was this one. Up it goes on the website tonight, and then I can move on to the Magic Box stories. I'd like to continue the letter series, but I have this feeling the action's going to move very quickly from this point out, and there likely won't be time for letters to go back and forth. I'll have to come up with something, but we'll see. At this point, I have completed 22 fics, totaling somewhere around the equivalent of 250-300 manuscript pages. All polished. This is in five months, which leads me to believe my problem isn't necessarily my speed. I can do the damn writing. Why am I so afraid of it? Rejection most likely. I have this hideous fear whatever I write won't be good enough to go into a publisher, to be considered "real" work. There are so many times I feel like I'm playing at being a writer, but this is something that's in my soul. Need to get moving. Need to go forward. My husband doesn't think the Spike/Buffy fan fic is moving forward, but it is. I'm seeing work get finished, I'm seeing it put out for public viewing and I'm getting feedback. This is of the good. This is actually of the great. I'm gaining more confidence and realize that in many ways I've surrounded myself with busywork connected to writing to avoid doing the writing itself. Whoa. That was a heavy sentence. But then, that's what all these realizations are about, isn't it? I'm exploring, getting my stuff out there and seeing what I want to have done. I want to write the Magic Box stories. It's contemporary romance, a field I wanted to write in once but never could quite carry off. What's more, it can be contemporary romantic comedy or suspense. I'm playing with more sophisticated plots and that should come home to roost in my other writing. The main point is that I'm writing. I'm not just journaling (which is something I've often done to avoid actual writing) but I'm writing almost every day. I feel the need to move ahead keep going. I want to figure out what happens next for Buffy and Spike in the series I've started. I want to know how the Legion of Dim is going to go after Buffy, and what Warren's figured out from the chip. I want to know about Halfrek and Spike. What's Xander going to say next? What's he going to do? When's Anya coming back. What about Giles? Willow? Tara? Will Dawn ever stop being a teenager? These stories are involving me at the moment, and it's been a long time since I've been quite so involved in any of my work. That's what's so important about the writing and why I need to keep moving ahead, even if it's just in fan fic. I'll be happier for it. Story quote for the day from the latest in the Magic Box series: "How long have you been dating my sister?" Dawn chose to deliver this inquiry at the edge of the steps leading down into the body of the shop. Spike looked up sharply, the number of crystals already counted out vanishing from his head. She was glaring at him, one hand cocked on her hip while the other held the strap of her dangling book bag. Keenly aware several customers had turned to witness this event, he did his best to stay calm. "Can we discuss this later?" She moved behind the counter with a sulky grace, dropping the bookbag with a thud. "Is this where you tell me that there are things I'm too young to know?" "No, this is where I tell you I need to get this packed before FedEx gets here in twenty minutes."
Caro | 10:05 AM
4.24.2002
Moved the blog to Tripod this morning because I want to personalize the format and layout. This is turning into a bigger project than I anticipated, but I think the skills I learn will be of use. Yeah, right. I'm dragging my feet on the Angelus Rant by playing with this. TIme to go to lunch and possibly get this damn rant done.
Caro | 12:07 PM
Having gone back to work, my schedule is now blown all to hell. I did manage to get the mixer story finished and posted, and am currently working on the promised "Angelus: A Rant," which I must get finished today. I want that puppy done and out of here because everyone's panting for it. Then I can go back to the Magic Box stories, which is where my real interest lies at this moment. I think part of my unhappiness with Angelus is because so many people do want it, and I have this horrible feeling that it's not going to be up to snuff. That's another thing I'm dealing with in the fan fic -- I'm learning to let go of my stories, get them up and out and get onto the next one. I haven't been able to do that in my professional writing; I get scared just before "the end" is typed and I won't let go. That's a hard truth to face, but there it is. A big part of doing this stuff is to rediscover the joy in my writing. I don't really have that anymore. I want joy, and it's been missing for so long. It's all about polishing, plotting, planning your career. How does one write to sell and still keep that joy of just getting the words on the page? That's part of what I'm trying to rediscover. If the fan-fic will help, then that's what I'm going to do for a while. I am working toward my career goal of selling, but I'm getting the fire back instead of going through the motions. Don't want to go into a big rant about how I may see some of myself in the heroine of BtVS, but there is a certain sympathy there for her, a fear of getting too close, of letting anyone inside to hurt you. I rush forward because that's what I feel I'm supposed to do, be Helpful!Girl, but then I realize I don't want to do it and I find that all my good intentions go for naught. I would like to get the contest off my plate and then I'm going to go into hiding for the rest of the year, be just a passive person, working on what interests me and not volunteering for a damn thing. It's the final wind-down that I need. I need winding down, I need sorting out. That's why I'm doing this, to put all of these feelings out there where I can get myself together. It's sorta stretching myself naked on the altar of, well, I don't know. I feel these urges to join things, but I'm really trying to hold myself back. I don't want to over commit, I just want to write and feel the fire within myself, sort out my own head. Funny, Julia Cameron says to write three pages non-stop every morning, yet I've often found that the handwriting of the stuff feels like it's not quite getting started, like it's sputtering on the page. What I need to do is get something that's portable, that I can type into. Perhaps I will go for an Alpha Soft -- I just need to see how much it is (or is that Alpha Smart). Anyway, I need to get something that's portable that I can have with me for lunch or in bed or on the couch so I can type away and be happy. I think faster than I type and I can truly get into the mode where I don't go back and rewrite what I'm trying to say -- just look at how I'm running on at the mouth here. I need to set up my own template for a blog. I can host it off at another site, or maybe I'll move to a free site. No one know I'm there yet, so it's not difficult to make the move. I won't pay geocities because I don't care for them, but I will look into Tripod. Shouldn't be too bad. Back to Angelus. Spike is in full rant mode, and I'm trying to get this to build to a reasonable conclusion: We were, in fact, dysfunctional even for a vampire clan and I've at times thought the four of us might make a nice edition of Jerry Springer. Of course, we might end up by eating the audience, but no loss there.
Caro | 11:56 AM
4.18.2002
Not the best night's sleep, but at least I'm up at a reasonable hour instead of crawling out of bed at 10 and not eating until one. Desperately trying to keep my schedule onto something stable, but it's been a bit hard. Up and down this morning emotionally, which makes getting writing done pretty difficult. Trying to work through the fight in the alley for the end of the mixer story. I know what happens after the fight -- I just need to get through the fight itself. Frustration, because I feel like I'm standing in place in so many ways. Need to move forward. Need to get working. Need to look after my own sanity. Of course, that's why I'm keeping this journal, isn't it? A nice little place to have my own insanity. Still haven't started the work on getting story points together for Life in Sunnydale. Seem to spend a lot of my time staring at the television. Either that or doing e-mail as a way to avoid writing. While I've been working on this, I've actually gone back and gotten almost all the way through the alley scene, fueled by the fact I got a call from my old office asking if I might be willing to come back. If the work crisis is over, I'm going to be very happy.
Caro | 11:16 AM
4.17.2002
Doing better today in some ways, worse than others. I've come to realize my schedule has been completely thrown off by being off work and I'm sleeping later, going to bed later and eating on a really weird schedule. On the good side, I am starting to feel rested and am getting my act together to go and do things. More cleaning today since I really need to get space to do sewing (I desperately need clothes and I can make better clothes than I can afford to buy). What's more, a friend may be lending us and extra computer, so I need a place to put that. Stories are coming along reasonably well. Need to get the Mixer finished and posted, and then do my "Angelus: A Rant" that I've promised everyone. I also need to sit down and figure out where the AU is going. There are some fun things to do there, but I have to decide on the major storylines. Hmm. Said that yesterday. Quell surprise; it's on my mind. Need to hit the employment boards at some point. Right now, I probably really need to go get breakfast and get some cleaning done. It's almost one o'clock and I can feel the fact that I haven't eat yet. Like I said -- the schedule's off. On the good front, I've figured out how to convert PAL to NTSC, only it's going to be a two-part process. I can manage that. Just need the computer to run overnight. On the bad news, I think I ran Primeval as a PAL file rather than a NTSC, so I probably need to re-do that one. Enough moaning for the moment. Mail has come and I'm hungry. Later.
Caro | 12:48 PM
4.16.2002
Taxes got done and mailed on Sunday, which is a good thing, because I don't think I would have particularly wanted to deal with them on Monday. Monday was...Monday. My internet connect was down most of the day and I discovered I didn't get the job I'd interviewed for last week. As a result, I'm still at home, still unemployed, and I think we're just getting to the point where my husband and I are starting to get on each other's nerves. Worries about money and things I haven't done because of the depression are starting to wear on me, which is, in turn, affecting everything else. I'm going to try to get off my ass today and get moving, do some positive things besides just sit and stare at the computer. By sitting and staring, I mean reading e-mail and surfing the net. I really should be writing, but the depression often affects that. The Buffy fiction helps immensely, a warm blanket I can wrap myself up in and feel safe, warmed and loved. What more does any writer want? Okay, fame, fortune, success and a place on the NYT bestseller list, but you ain't gonna get that writing BtVS fan fic. Hell, I ain't gonna get that writing the regular, saleable fiction I'm trying to write. Still, the fic is serving its purpose, keeping my fingers and my mind moving, and that will do a great deal to keep me happy -- or at least sane. Of course, the realization that what was just a one-off story is about to turn into a full alternate universe version of the last half of S6 is not great either. I need to decide how far I want to go with this. At least through the end of the season and I need to decide how far I want to go. Major storylines I need to decide: Buffy/Spike, Anya/Xander, Willow/Tara, the Magic Box, Dawn and the Art Gallery. Ever notice ME completely forgot about Joyce's business? I'm gonna revive it as it has some things I'd like to do with it (smuggling magical artifacts for one). Wanderings, wanderings. Just got Outlook open for the morning mail, so need to tend to that. Definitely need to write the people at work and let them know that I didn't get the job and that I'm still looking. Need to check some websites and get moving on the job thing.
Caro | 7:59 AM
4.14.2002
Waiting to go out for the taxes. Okay, the template I chose was major ugly. New time-wasting project: redesign template. Since I'm working on a free site, it will be interesting to see how far I can go with doing this. Hmmm. Can I get some good art up?
Caro | 2:11 PM
Journaling. Another great way to waste time. However, I do find it refreshes the mind somewhat, so this is just as good a place to stash it as any. Refreshing my mind is something I need to be doing on a regular basis, especially since I'm trying to get back into a regular writing routine. Oh, btw, if you're looking for "Missives from the Hellmouth," my Spike/Buffy fan-fic, I've moved it over to http://home.earthlink.net~spikewriter. The ads on Geocities are much easier to handle with a blog than with the frame set up that I'd designed for the site and Earthlink doesn't post ads (thank goodness). So it's early Sunday afternoon and I'm killing time. I have several fics I really should be working on (there are vampires to stake), but I just finished doing the taxes and since we'll be going out soon to mail them, I don't want to get too heavy into anything. Still, when we get back, I'm going to start on the "Angelus: A Rant" that I've promised to people -- that should provide some amusement. Have to figure out what music to keep on the player while I'm working though; not quite sure what Spike would listen to while gleefully trashing his grandsire. Then I want to get through the second half of the chamber of commerce mixer story, get that done. Why do people do fan fic? Because it's a fun way to get more of a show you enjoy. For me, it's a way to practice writing in a safe environment and have a good time. Instead of waiting months to see if I've been rejected or accepted by a publisher, I get almost instant gratification. I get to practice different techniques and play with some areas that I haven't been particularly good at. Writing "Buffy" fan fic is a safe haven; in the end, all it's doing is providing some fun for me and those who read it.
Caro | 1:46 PM
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